Change
It is coming upon two years since Max left me. I try to lock myself down emotionally, but if you know me that’s next to impossible. I wear my heart on my sleeve.
As an aside, this is about my relationship with Max and others, not Christina. (She made me say this!)
Christina and Arthur have been left out to protect the innocent lol
Coming out of the cocoon that was COVID was an experience that many will never see again. It was like the dawning of a new age. Time to spread our wings once again. However, a line had already been drawn in the sand with my own experiences. What was before was gone, never to return. What lie ahead was the start of something new, different. I embraced this change as best as I could. When Max left, there was no turning back. I’d experience this new life without my savior. I’d go it alone.
Wounds that were inflicted before COVID lay dormant during the pandemic. But the scars never fully healed during this respite. A new life awaited though. I would take those lessons with me. But if Max taught me anything, it was to go into it with an open heart and I seemed to forget those hard learned lessons of yesteryear. But letting my guard down was never a conscious choice. I’m either in or I’m out. Really not much gray area. Perhaps this time I was IN too easily. So, when life changed, I embraced it. New job, new friends, new situations, new path. And change is not something I take lightly, nor do I welcome. It was a brave new world. Of course it was not a clean slate, however most of the chalk was erased from the blackboard. These last few years have certainly reinforced what Max was. My faith in him was always returned with his faith in me. Even his last few days he gave me that look I knew all too well…”Daddy, I know you’ll take care of me”. How could I not, he had done the same for me for 15 years.
Faith in people is much different. It tends not to be the same two-way street. It was something I learned at a young age, and unfortunately it is continuously reinforced. I’ve been told perhaps I have high expectations. Perhaps…perhaps I’m only looking to receive what I’m willing to give in return. Max never gave looking for that return, but he certainly deserved and earned it. Maybe I don’t deserve or earn it because I somehow expect it. And that’s what leads to disappointment: expectations. And people certainly don’t disappoint with that. Even though my guard is usually up, I have a very outgoing exterior which is easy to penetrate. But behind that is a solid wall. Sometimes I’m a good judge of bad character…so that wall is the end of their journey. Some may get a brief glimpse on the other side, only to be quickly escorted back. Others, very few others, get through that wall. But even then, most of those are returned by their own doing.
This last month leading up to the 2nd anniversary of Max’s passing has been challenging. It also would seem the universe has recently tossed a few reminders, something more than just coincidences, about previous instances where expectations were apparently a bit too high. So changes are coming...in both work and life, the likes that haven’t been seen since the COVID eclosing. And these changes are a result of misplaced expectations. I’ve already mentioned where expectations lead you…and it makes me miss Max all that much more.
And as if to knock me down, reality came around. I found myself needing Max by my side more than ever. I had always gone it alone before him. But over those 15 years I didn’t have to. People will always disappoint, but Max never did. Even at the end he fought so hard to stay with me. And now I go it alone again…naturally.
