KC At The Bat

Yesterday, as I watched the Kansas City kicker miss what would have been the game winning field goal, which would have sent the Steelers into the playoffs instead of San Diego...all I could think was, there is no Joy in Mudville. With that in mind, I needed to alter the famous Casey at the Bat poem. I give you...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

KC at the Bat

The outlook wasn’t brilliant for Steeler Nation that day;
The score stood 24 a piece, with but one drive left to play,
And then when Chase Daniel got the first, and next play did the same,
A sickly silence fell upon the patrons of the game.

A straggling few fans watched TV in deep despair. The rest
Clung to that hope which springs eternal in the human breast;
They thought, if only KC could get a field goal whack at that -
They’d put up even money, now, with KC playing flat.

But yards needed KC, 50 or more it would take,
And then Chase Daniel was a passing and the handoff was a fake;
So upon that stricken multitude grim melancholy sat,
For there seemed but little chance of KC getting off the mat.

But McCluster caught a spiral, to the wonderment of all,
And McGrath, the third tight end, held on to the next ball;
And when time out had lifted, and the men saw what had occurred,
There was Chase Daniel near midfield and Steeler fans could now be heard.

Then from Steeler Nation throats and more there rose a lusty yell;
It rumbled through the valley, it rattled in the dell;
Now knocked opportunity and Charger fans just sat,
For KC kicker Succop, was about to end all that.

There was ease in KC’s manner as Chase Daniel stepped into place;
There was pride in KC’s bearing and a smile on Chase Daniel’s face.
And when, responding to opposing cheers, he lightly took the snap,
And 24 yards down the field Hemingway penned the final slap.

The Chargers defensemen were on him as he rumbled along the dirt;
And Steeler fans applauded as we wiped sweat upon our shirt.
Then while the writhing defense lined up for the next hit,
It was 1st and 10 for KC and, at the 31 yard line they did sit.

And now the leather-covered football no longer through the air,
And KC stood a-watching, we can kick it right from there.
But Knile Davis the runner ran twice and hardly sped-
And now third down we did see, “Wildcat” the announcer said.

From the benches, filled with people, there went up a muffled roar,
Like the beating of the storm-waves on a stern and distant shore.
What is this shouted someone off in Steeler land;
This player from KC has never thrown the football from his hand.

With a smile Andy Reid new that KC’s play had shown;
His running back was standing in the backfield all alone
He signaled to the center, and once more the football flew;
But KC they had done it, and the ref signaled first down too.

“Field Goal!” cried Steeler Nation, and echoes answered that;
And one sideline look of KC’s kicker, Steelers fans nervous sat.
They saw the three plays run as were told, the time running out,
And they knew that KC would set this up with one last final time-out.

The fear was gone from KC’s kicker, it is now all upon his feet;
He taps the ground now confidently with the toe of his right cleat.
And now the snapper snaps the ball, and now he lets it go,
And now the air is shattered by the force of Succop’s blow.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining still;
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts will fill,
And somewhere men are laughing, and children smiling bright;
But there is no joy in Steeler Nation — KC’s kicker was wide right.

Twas The Day Before Christmas

 

Twas the day before Christmas, already left had my spouse
Slowly I was stirring, last night I was soused.
My clothes were all strewn on the floor with no care,
In hopes that I might have got some on the chair.

I turned over nestled all snug in my bed,
With visions of sake-bombs still pounding my head.
And Max in his collar, his paw gave me a rap,
He was begging to go out, he had to go… to the bathroom.

Max out on the lawn his paws pitter patter,
I went for some aspirin to fix what was the matter.
Away to the bathroom I flew like a flash,
Tore open the cabinet and searched for the stash.

The sun beat down and would soon let me know.
I had slept to mid-day, wife’s already on the go.
When, what to my bloodshot eyes should appear,
Milk and cookies for Santa, that were left by my dear.

With a hangover hunger, feeling a bit sick,
I knew these were mine, instead of St Nick.
I would rapidly eat them and now a thought came,
The idea that I had, was to give Max all the blame!

One cookie! now, two! now, maybe a dozen!
On, further! The ice! In the milk was still frozen!
To the top of the cookies! The stack they did fall!
Not a crumb! single crumb! I had eaten them all!"

As my dry mouth was filled from the cookies nearby,
They met the refreshing milk, all for this guy.
So downed was the milk-topped glass and I knew,
Could I pull off my plan, before I was through.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard at the door
The prancing and clawing of each of his paws.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
I knew to put all the blame on this hound.

He rustled all his fur, from his head to his foot,
He had no idea he’d be tarnished, my plan was afoot.
A bundle of chew toys I had flung near the plate,
And he looked already guilty, not knowing his fate.

My wife's arrival was here! The plan was in play!
Her gullibility would be tested if I were to survive on this day

Then the front door was drawn open to show,
That the tree was now missing something below.

The stern look on her face and grinding her teeth,
And the smoke it encircled, a fire rose from beneath.
She had an angry face and a very pissed look,
That peered at a plate empty, from the cookies I took!

There I was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed not aloud, so proud of myself!
An evil of her eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I soon might be dead.

She spoke not a word, but went straight to my work,
And chose her words wisely, then turned “you’re a jerk.”
I pointed a finger to Max, and tapped on his nose,
And giving Christina a nod, and Max he just froze…

She sprang to his defense, said I was a disgrace,
And away she did wipe, crumbs I had left on my face.
But I heard her exclaim, ‘ere she did not care fight,
"Even Christmas and all, sleep on the couch tonight!"