Do You Remember...

Ask Walsh, he remembers everything. This is not an uncommon line I hear no matter what group of friends I may be with. Even at a young age I seemed to always remember. Good or bad. A friend of mine says we remember what we choose to remember. Well, I choose to remember everything.

As you may have seen in my blogs, my memory is vivid in detail going back to as far as I can…well, remember. Scientists say people are left brained or right brained depending on how they process their thoughts. I sometimes feel I have both sides working. Now, unfortunately this does not translate into being more intelligent. It is more like one side of my brain allows me to function on a daily basis…while the other side has a projector constantly showing old home movies. If I need to go back and remember, I just pop a reel on and off I go back in time. In my blogs, you can see that something in my day triggers the trip. However, now I am only visiting. When I was younger I tended to dwell in it. The previous grass always seemed greener. While I’ve heard the reality of the past would never match my sweet imagination, that everything looks worse in black and white, I don’t sugar coat the experiences. I had to learn to look at, and not yearn for, the past. And once I did that why not look back? We each have become a sum of our own experiences whether we remember them or not.

Now, while I seem to have the innate ability to remember, don’t think I’m able to put it to efficient use. It has not allowed me to avoid making similar mistakes over the course of my life. I am who I am. I can look back and see how things happened and why…and most likely why they will happen again. When I was younger I would ponder “what if” I did this, or reacted “this way”…what if I only… But as I once said, you can only make a decision based on the information available to you at the time. Looking back, you now already know the outcome, which obviously is more than you would have known…so how could you ever have done something differently. It’s like a coin toss already knowing which side will come up. And if you did somehow change what you would have done, and alter the outcome…then what? I am a big believer in the ripple or butterfly effect. That one change would change everything. You can’t alter one event and think that everything else will play out the same…or how you think it would have once you changed your path. You can never predict how this new course you are on would have taken you.

So it is easy for me to remember, because I am always remembering. I am doing it right now. It is rare I will forget something, but every now and then my memory will be jarred. Off to the tape room to find that reel…which I know is in there somewhere. Christina will catch me drifting off sometimes and ask me what I’m thinking about. She can easily see the changes of expression on my face…even though I am unaware. Due to my vivid memories I not only remember and visualize it, but I feel the emotions too. It is almost like my own make shift time machine. And once I go, I embrace it…good or bad. Jubilation, anticipation…sorrow. We watch movies that draw on our emotions…why not our own memories. We had to live through it. Of course I hear the inevitable “do you really want to relive that?” Yes, yes I do…all of it…and while I still can. As I said, our memories are who we are. And not being a believer in the after life, they will eventually cease to exist. Why not get the most out of them now. Life is too short, and I find comfort in taking time to look back. How many times do we watch reruns of our favorite TV shows? They evoke the same feelings we had when we first viewed them. My reruns are just a little more personal.

I’m not going to wait for my life to flash before my eyes.

I’m going to sit back and enjoy the show now…