Walk like a Human

Walk like a Human

We are all familiar with road rage…but working in NYC these last 6 years, I have contracted a new ailment, sidewalk rage.  People are bad enough behind the wheel, but remove them from those shinny metal boxes and they can’t even stand on their own two feet.  Last year Manhattan lawmakers proposed a “Pedestrian Code of Conduct” for the city sidewalks, busy sidewalks…because people were not passing, meeting smile after smile…and on every street corner you’d hear...ME!  and I was not singing Silver Bells.

I, for one, wish this had passed.  As people meander the city they are inconsiderate and idiotic.  I call them inconsidiots.  While these laws won’t change their habits, at least they can shell out some cash for their reprehensible ways.

I now give you these 10, ummm, 9 pedestrian commandments:

1)   No Zigzagging on the Sidewalk: $50 Fine.

The shortest distance between two points is a straight line.  I guess these annoying amblers failed basic geometry.  You try to pass these lumbering lummoxes on the left, they veer left.  You try to pass them on the right, they veer right.  They swerve similar to the blue haired octogenarian behind the wheel on Ferris’s day off.   Of course, there can be exceptions… like a “Bar Zone”…staggering allowed within 50 ft.

2)   No Walking Three Abreast: $100 Fine per person.

No, they are not talking about the woman from Total Recall, however if she were to appear on the city streets, all bets are off.

3)   No Standing in a Crosswalk Zone for More than One Light Cycle: $75 Fine.

To cross or not to cross, that is NOT the question.  The light changes, you are on the corner, you cross…no question.

4)   Failure to Maintain Minimum Speed of 3 mph: $50 Fine.

Now speed and Walsh are rarely used in the same sentence, but even I can maintain this pace.  If you can’t…get a Rascal, see how that worked out for George.

5)   Failure to Stay Right: $50 Fine.

While this is easy for me, because I am always right (see blog intro)…others couldn’t find their right if given two chances.  These compassly challenged citizens walk straight up to you in the other direction like a north going Zax to your south (google it).  Stay RIGHT, right?  Thanks.

6)   Walking a Dog with its Leash Running Perpendicular to the Sidewalk: $200 Fine.

You may have noticed my policy on dogs.  Dogs Rule, People Drool.  While a dog’s person should be more conscious of the leash, the dogs get a pass…and thereby so does their person.

7)   Failure to Stay in Designated Walking Lanes: $50 Fine.

This rule is adapted from the traffic lanes on the city streets…and you all know how well THAT works.  The roads are a free for all recreating an excerpt from Mad Max between changing traffic signals. "Speed's just a question of money. How fast you wanna go?".

8)   Window-Shopping Outside of Designated Window-Shopping Zones: $50 Fine.

If you are window shopping, you SHOULD be standing in FRONT of the window.  It is in the name!  I am guessing these are the same people who slow down to look at accidents.

9)   Bumping into others while using electronic devices: $50 Fine.

While this is my favorite, I would alter this just a bit.  I would change it to FAILURE to bump into someone while THEY are using an electronic device.  I never pass up the opportunity to throw a check on these human question marks bent over their addictive appliances.   In return, I receive a stare as their glazed eyes peer up at me and I respond with a very Flecth-like “Excuse You”.

No fine for me!

It is sad when legislature is introduced to coerce courtesy and common sense.  I guess: People cannot police themselves properly as pedestrians so policy is passed for Police to provide policing (say that 10 times really fast).

However, it would be nice if these pedestrians could try to follow these simple rules of the road on their own.

I hear it is all the rage.